Ragging on Twilight: The Rant - WARNING: IF YOU’RE A TWIHARD FAN OR LIKE TWILIGHT IN ANYWAY PLEASE DO NOT READ ON (I don’t want any hate mails or virus!)
I finally watched the last of the Harry Potter films. It felt like closing a chapter of my life and was sad to see it end. However, the last film was mesmerizingly good, particularly the art direction of the whole piece. The set design, the location, everything about the visual did the novels justice. I’m sure it made many people who’ve grown up with Harry very happy. The Harry Potter books are this generations Lord of the Rings Trilogy. It is unfair to compare the two as I’ve read hardly any of the LOTR but I’ve seen all the movies and it too was done quite well. Both series, novel and film, flowed from one book to the next. It gave a continuum to the events and helped the readers and viewers grow with the characters. We develop feelings and bonds hence when both series ended it felt like an end to a chapter of our lives.
Then there’s Twilight.
As I’ve posted before, this horrifying series has ruined so many things. Fundamentally, it’s ruined the words “twilight” and “eclipse”. When mentioned, instead of thinking of the majestic moment before sunrise and sunset as twilight, we now get the cringing image of Kristen Stewart’s half opened mouth and Robert Pattinson’s constipated face, who’s bad acting and general ugliness, made even the veterans of the film industry cry out. Eclipse has the better deal as we still think of chewing gum or mint and when teamed with lunar and solar we regain some of our IQ and immediately think of the alignments of the sun/moon to our planet.
Then they ruined vampires. Vampires are suppose to be cool, calm, calculating killers who ooze sexuality and enigma. Now, twilight has defaced the traditional vampiric image and replaced it with bad sparkly special effects, overly emotional and protective adolescent boys and girls, that look like they constantly have IBS. It has brought shame to such vampires like Lestat and Louis, Buffy, Blade and the father of all vampires, Dracula!
The next on the list is literature. Even Spot the Dog had more substance then the Twilight Saga. The whole first book with a good 300 pages was supposedly about the two protagonist getting to know each other. The second book…(I actually forgot what it was about and has to wiki it) was about Bella Swan pining over her lost love. The book consist of 563 pages and pretty much a good 525 pages was whinging, whining and crying. Then there’s New Moon which I think was about a supposed vampire attack (correct me if I’m wrong)? A lot of hoo ha about absolutely nothing. Breaking Dawn was the worse of the lot. Whoopee they finally had sex and then spawned some sort of creature that grew at an accelerating rate which a werewolf then falls in love with. How pedo is that? An 18 year old wanting to hook up with a 3 year old. WTF is going through Stephanie Meyer’s mind! That’s some cult BS right there!! The author tries very hard and very unsuccessfully to build up a “battle” scene between ancient vampires and the vampires from the “new age” and when the time come for everyone to step up and get their nails out, it doesn’t happen (sorry for the spoilers). In the midst of all that, there’s Bella Swan at first whinging that she wants to be a vampire and then she doesn’t because she wants to experience life and then she wants to have sex and so forth. Yawn. After writing this I realised how embarrassing it is to actually have read and own these books, I’m donating them to the Salvos this week some time…
The films are just as embarrassing as the books. I didn’t actually watch all of the Twilight films but I can pretty much guess it’s all the same crap from other peoples reviews. Didn’t George Lucas give special effects to filmmaking? Well I think this overloaded money franchise should use some of it’s dirty profits to put some back into its productions and make something decent. As bad as Transformers was, they had nice smooth special CGs and special effects. The Twilight werewolves looked like those toy dogs that use to be sold at the markets that yapped and barked when you put batteries in them. With lack of stories to fill 2 hours of tireless droning, the shameful directors had to resort to the lowest of the low, get Taylor Lautner to take his shirt off whenever possible. Bella falls off a bike and she’s barely bleeding, what does Jacob do? Takes his shirt off. It’s raining and what does Jacob do? Takes his shirt off. Jacob receives a wedding invitation and gets mighty pissed off. How does he channel his anger? He takes his shirt off. You get the point.
What’s more annoying than the books and the movies combined is none other than Kristen Stewart. In-every-single-scene she has her mouth half hanging open. It’s like her jaw just does not allow her to close her mouth. Her mouth doesn’t shut at all during the whole 500 minutes of usable footage since she’s got to utter pointless dialogue as well as keep her mouth open trademark. Her bad acting and her whining and her crying and her bitching makes Bella Swan and Kristen Stewart one of the most annoying characters and actresses alive (remember KS crying over people taking her pictures at premiers? Bitch please!).
TEAM HARRY POTTER!
P.S. Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner is not hot. One looks like a gargoyle and the other looks like a llama! Some people have warped taste…
P.P.S These are just my opinions, if you don’t like it tough shit…Gosh I love free speech!
Here are some opinions from people that you might consider matters:
James Franco The protagonists finally marry, having waited until the wise old age of eighteen, and since the book and the film dutifully show them being wed, they are then allowed to f-ck each others’ brains out. For a film that claims to be sexually responsible, the Twilight movies are awfully dependent on teenage sex to attract viewers.
The actors prance about like pieces of meat, their disturbingly developed bodies on full display; Taylor Lautner’s rippling teenage chest is just a little better than the child beauty-pageant stars at the end of Little Miss Sunshine.
George Takei Gone is any sense of heroism, camaraderie or epic battles. In its place, we have vampires that sparkle, moan and go to high school. Now, I’m not above mixing in a little sex appeal to spice up the fantasy, but sci-fi fans be warned, there are no great stories, characters or profound life lessons to be found in Twilight… In Twilight, the only message that rings through loud and clear is: ‘Does my boyfriend like me?’